


The Very Hungry Archivist

by hitchhikersguidetothealexy



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, a little jonmartin on the side, transcript fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26776900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitchhikersguidetothealexy/pseuds/hitchhikersguidetothealexy
Summary: okay so LISTEN you know how jon starts "eating" statements out of people's brains in season 4? well i was like, what if he started eating other stuff too? and then the muses spoke to me and i blacked out and this cursed content is all that remained. takes place at some point vaguely in season 4.inspired by a comment from tiktok user @areallycoolpotato.my first fic EVER be nice ;)
Relationships: Basira Hussain & Melanie King & Alice "Daisy" Tonner & Jonathan Sims, Martin Blackwood & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 31
Kudos: 125





	The Very Hungry Archivist

[CLICK]

JON  
Statement of Leopold Kensington III, regarding a towel that was briefly in his possession--

[SOUNDS OF A DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]

JON  
Oh. Hi Basira.

BASIRA  
Have you seen that statement about the mirror that eats people? I need to cross-check something with it. 

JON  
Um. Yes. I have.

BASIRA  
So do you...know where it is?

JON  
Yes.

BASIRA  
Can you...tell me?

[LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE]

JON  
I ate it.

BASIRA  
Okay, that’s fine, I know you have to slurp up people’s trauma or whatever, but I need the file, so--

JON  
No. I mean, I really ate it.

BASIRA  
I don’t understand.

JON  
I ripped it into little pieces. And I put them in my mouth. And ate them. 

BASIRA  
You’re saying you...physically ate the statement.

JON  
Yes. That is exactly what I’m saying. 

BASIRA  
Why. Would you do that. 

JON  
I thought they would taste good.

BASIRA  
Melanie? Daisy? Would you come in here for a moment?

JON  
You really don’t need to--

BASIRA  
No, I do. We’re going to talk about this. 

[SOUNDS OF DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]

MELANIE  
What’d he do?

JON  
Why do you just assume I did something?

MELANIE  
Because you definitely did.

BASIRA  
Tell them what you just told me.

JON  
I might have...started to...eat the statements.

MELANIE  
Yeah, we know. You scoop it out of people’s brains and we told you not to do it anymore.

JON  
No that’s not what I mean. I mean I started to actually put the paper in my mouth and eat it and it felt...nice. 

[A VERY LONG UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]

DAISY  
Yeah that’s weird. 

MELANIE  
So you’ve been...actually consuming the statements? Is that what you’re saying?

JON  
Yes. That is exactly what I’m saying. 

MELANIE  
...why?

JON  
Okay so you know how you snort cocaine?

MELANIE  
I don’t believe for a second that you know anything about snorting cocaine. 

JON  
Okay, first of all, you don’t know that for a fact. You don’t know what I was like in university.

MELANIE  
Yes I do. Georgie told me. You were a nerd. Still are.

JON  
Second of all, what I’m trying to say is, you snort cocaine through your nose so it gets directly to your brain, right? Well, I thought maybe if I could eat things more...directly, then it would feel better? Like a drug.

BASIRA  
So you just started...eating things?

JON  
Um. Yes. 

MELANIE  
Well what else have you eaten?

[SOUNDS OF A DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]

MARTIN  
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I just left some-- um-- personal things in here that I need to get.

MELANIE  
Oh no. 

BASIRA  
What did you leave?

MARTIN  
It’s not important. I just--

MELANIE  
No actually it’s very important. What did you leave?

MARTIN  
It was. Um. Some poems.

[A MOMENT OF EXPECTANT SILENCE]

JON  
Yeah I ate them.

MARTIN  
You mean you--

JON  
No. I mean I put the paper in my mouth. And chewed it. And ate it.

MARTIN  
Well. Was it good?

JON  
Honest opinion? 

MELANIE  
Is that really the most important question right now?

MARTIN  
Tell me the truth. I can take it.

JON  
It was a little verbose. And you use too many dashes. And your line breaks really don’t complement the flow of the language. 

MARTIN  
Okay I lied I can’t take it. 

JON  
I wasn’t going to tell you.

MARTIN  
I can edit them.

JON  
No you can’t I ate them.

MARTIN  
Right.

MELANIE  
What else?

JON  
Um. Well, there was the guitar.

BASIRA  
A guitar? A whole guitar? 

JON  
Well, no. Not the strings. 

MARTIN  
Acoustic or electric?

MELANIE  
Does it matter? 

MARTIN  
I just want to know.

JON  
Acoustic. Classical, I think.

MELANIE  
I don’t care what kind of guitar you ate. I just care that you ate a guitar.

JON  
It was...exquisite. 

MELANIE  
Ew. Don’t say that. It’s weird.

JON  
What’s weird about it?

MELANIE  
Sometimes you just use words that really gross me out and I don’t know why. 

JON  
I just have a really good vocabulary. 

MARTIN  
No she’s right sometimes you use words that are like…couldn’t you have used a word that’s less...visceral? 

JON  
Like what?

MARTIN  
Like you’re always saying things about spiders with bulbous, bloated stomachs...You have to stop saying that word.

JON  
Spider?

MARTIN  
No. Bulbous. It’s really gross. 

JON  
Well. Spiders are gross. 

BASIRA  
Okay but actually he has a point you use a lot of unnecessarily gross words. 

JON  
Oh I’m sorry that the words I use when I’m talking about human meat or-- or-- skin stealing puppets or pulsating worms--

MELANIE  
Yeah that’s another one. Why is everything always pulsating with you? 

DAISY  
It’s like, yeah, we get it, you went to college.

JON  
Can we not talk about my “gross” words, please?

BASIRA  
Okay let’s talk about what else you ate.

DAISY  
It could be weirder, I guess. I mean, he could be eating glass.

JON  
Right. Well, hypothetically, would it be weird if I had eaten that?

MELANIE  
No. No, stop talking right now.

BASIRA  
I can’t believe I have to ask this, but Jon: did you or did you not eat glass?

JON  
So you know those little glass animals? Like in The Glass Menagerie? 

MARTIN  
What did they taste like?

JON  
Like bygone childhood dreams. 

DAISY  
You know, this actually explains a lot. I’ve noticed a lot of stuff disappearing around the archives lately. 

BASIRA  
Last week, when you asked me if you could borrow a pen--

JON  
Ate it.

MARTIN  
My favorite tea mug--

JON  
Ate it. It was delicious, by the way.

MARTIN  
What did it--

MELANIE  
Please don’t ask.

JON  
Honestly I think you all are overreacting. I mean, What about Daisy? She did a lot of terrible things! She probably ate a person!

BASIRA  
No she didn’t.

DAISY  
Actually yeah I did.

BASIRA  
You what?

DAISY  
I ate a guy.

MELANIE  
Okay we can unpack that later.

JON  
No actually I think we should unpack that now.

DAISY  
There’s nothing to unpack. I ate a guy.

BASIRA  
Who? I thought you only killed monsters.

DAISY  
Yeah. He was a vampire. I figured, well, this guy has been going around eating people, let;s see how he likes it.

JON  
See? This doesn’t concern you at all?

BASIRA  
Nope.

MELANIE  
Not really.

BASIRA  
We like Daisy. 

MELANIE  
She’s cool. 

JON  
Daisy kills people all the time!

DAISY  
Well not anymore.

MELANIE  
Yeah! She doesn’t kill them anymore! 

JON]  
Melanie I think you need to calm down.

MELANIE  
HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. HOW DARE YOU. I AM ALWAYS COMPLETELY CALM.

JON  
Does anyway else think that Melanie’s anger issues are a little weird?

BASIRA  
Shut up, you ate a guitar. 

JON  
Touché.

ELIAS  
Yeah, tell him Basira.

JON  
Elias? When did you get here?

ELIAS  
I’ve been here the whole time.

JON  
What are you doing here?

ELIAS  
Watching.

JON  
Well you obviously. But why--

ELIAS  
No reason. I just love workplace drama.

JON  
But can’t you watch from anywhere?

ELIAS  
Yes but I just love lurking in the shadows mischievously. It makes me feel all tingly inside. 

DAISY  
Please make him go away.

JON  
Everyone, you’re not going to like this but--

BASIRA  
Oh no.

JON  
I’m hungry again.

ELIAS  
Here. Take this cassette tape. 

ALL  
Elias!

MELANIE  
You’re an enabler! 

ELIAS  
Yeah that’s kind of the whole point. I’m enabling him to be the best Archivist he can be.

DAISY  
I’d like to enable you to die.

JON  
You all might want to look away.

MELANIE  
Why? You’re not really going to--

[SOUNDS OF CRUNCHING PLASTIC]

BASIRA  
Oh my god.

MELANIE  
Stop that.

JON  
Sorry. I’ll try to go faster.

[SOUNDS OF PLASTIC BEING CONSUMED MORE RAPIDLY]

MELANIE  
No that’s not what I meant.

MARTIN  
Stop eating it!

JON  
I can’t! It’s so good! 

ELIAS  
Please. Describe the flavors in great detail. 

MELANIE  
Please don’t.

BASIRA  
I am begging you not to.

JON  
Are you sure? Because it’s a really good one. It’s about--

MARTIN  
Please no. If I have to hear the word “talisman” one more time I will cry. 

JON  
Wow. That cassette tape was truly delectable. 

MARTIN  
Okay I’m going to cry anyway. 

BASIRA  
This is getting out of hand. You need to stop eating things and you need to do it now.

JON  
Okay so I have this idea. I know what you’re going to say.

MELANIE  
Then don’t say it. 

JON  
I just thought maybe we could find a compromise--

BASIRA  
No. We can’t. 

JON  
Hear me out.

BASIRA  
Fine. What is it?

JON  
What if...I open up a therapy practice…

ALL  
NO.

[CLICK]

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this abomination! If you like my comedy, I actually write lots of things and information on them can be found at alexjkingsley.wordpress.com.
> 
> Also I make a lot TMA tiktoks so you can also follow me there @alexyquest


End file.
